“I’m being a dumb girl again… I was thinking if this world based a relationship solely on looks, love at first sight thing, I’d be out of luck. Men don’t usually pray for a woman with brown hair and brown eyes”
I used to be insecure with how I looked. I viewed myself as an overweight Sasquatch with boring features. I thought I was invisible and that I had nothing to offer. I’ve never actually experience that “love at first sight” thing people seem to get so I used to think maybe I’m just not that special. Why else would I be over looked so many times? My only experience with dating is two guys. I had one in high school and he was conditional. He would ask me to lose weight and pick at everything I’d wear. I wasn’t as indie rocker chick as he would like. Our brake up wasn’t too hard on me. After he broke up with me I was more scared at thinking I wasn’t pretty. Not completely his fault, I wasn’t told I was pretty at home by my own father either so I thought you know that just confirms it. I’m just not that special.
Later that year I met another young man. He was just coming out of a three year relationship with a young lady he cared for very much. I became that ear and emotional comfort zone. I was going through my own emotional rollercoaster so it was nice to have someone to talk to. For a year we would talk, usually his conversation was about her or other girl problems. Or he would turn it into a sexual conversation and I’d go with the flow because by that point I was so broken all I thought I had to offer was sex. I never view myself at a woman worth chasing or protecting. I thought men want one thing and one thing only. I’ll never get that prince charming and I have released that dream I once dreamed. He lived in another college town so I never really had to care. I was becoming hard and hating love in general. After a year we finally had our “first date” which was having sex in a car. I know you’re thinking wow Carissa why share this? This is too much… it was too much I was overwhelmed with pain and depression. I wanted to be that virgin bride and never thought I’d ever be “that girl” but here I was 18 degrading myself all because I was never told “you are beautiful and you are worth something more”. That relationship became strictly sexual. We had nothing to talk about and often we would have sex then go about our day. When the summer ended after my 19th birthday he left for school again and here came the devastation of my life. I had given him myself every day for an entire summer and Friday he texts me I love you, and I’ll miss you…ignores me all weekend and text me again Monday, I’m back in school I want to be available and sleep around………imagine my devastation.
That moment crushed me immediately the thought of not being worth more than a good time in bed filled my mind. This is all people think of me as!! A good time!! So what did I do next? I hardened up and I became that good time friend. I’m naturally very shy and quiet but I was determined to not be her because she was weak and easily hurt, no I was going to be crude and vulgar. I thought to myself I’m going to use my body to my advantage and let others feel the pain I feel. I drank and I drank a lot, I smoked and I became loud and obnoxious. Sex became a tool to numb what was really going on inside. My actions brought upon some more violent moments but overall I was finding every way to hide what was going on inside. I never thought I would be this girl. In fact I judge these girls harshly in high school but I found myself worse than them. I was lost and these scars were self-inflicted.
That young man would come in and out of my life. When he wasn’t getting the attention he wanted he would come back and when he was he would break up with me. I ended up later living in the same town as him. I had fallen into a deep pit where I was consumed with my sin. Thoughts often consumed my mind “if I disappear no one would notice, if I died no one would care” I had tied myself so much to this young man emotionally I couldn’t discern love from lust. Even thought I was emotionally wounded from him he became an addiction. Sex was an addiction to numb the pain I was really feeling. Shortly after my 20th birthday party my aunt had died a traumatic death I was laying in front of my bathroom sink and I thought to myself I have enough pills to kill me four time, who would notice? No one. Who would care? No one, who loves me? No one….I was convinced I should die I’ve screwed up my life and I can never get it back. That night I cried myself to sleep and I had a dream, a dream I was very familiar with except this time I was me watching the dream. I was lying on the floor and I can hear someone calling my name. still in the very provocative dress I was wearing the night before, mascara run down my face from all the crying I got up looked at myself in the mirror and then lifelessly followed the voice out the door I walked down a hall, not the one in my apartment but another hallway I was familiar with. It was the hallway to the house behind the mall. It was the last house I lived in as a child before my parents’ divorce. In that house I had a dream of who id be when I grew up.
As I walked down the long hallway I walked into the bedroom I once slept in and there I saw the little girl me. She was playing “missionary” with her dolls and saying things like one day we will travel the world and marry a handsome man. I was devastated and ashamed I thought to myself she can’t see me. She would be heartbroken by who she grew up to be. At that moment I woke up. I made the decision to go back home. Still angry and hurt I eventually accepted an invitation to a Sunday night service. I sat with my mom in the front row. I put on the less revealing outfit I had that night but it was still pretty low and revealing. Standing in church I felt out of place and maybe this was just not me. But sure enough worship started and I couldn’t leave. I stood there with no movement I felt the presence but I wasn’t going to be moved by it. I felt this tugging at my heart but I wasn’t going to let him in. Finally the Pastors daughter put down her mic stepped down from the stage wrapped her arms around me and cried. She whispered in my ear “you are so beautiful and you will sing for the Lord again” I felt the walls around my heart crumbling, how would she know that? How does she know this about me? For the first time in my life I heard you are beautiful. Up until that point not even my boyfriend who had said he loved me called me beautiful all I had ever heard was “you look hot” but there is a difference ladies from being told you’re beautiful and you’re hot.
After worship a guest pastor from Stockton came up to preach. I knew him he was once part of a traveling team called radical reality. It was 2008 and I was about to make a choice I was always afraid to make. After his message I walked up to that alter and gave my life back to the lord. All I could say was I’m sorry. That pastor walked up to me hugged me and said “you are beautiful and the Lord loves you very much he has a bigger plan for you then you’ve ever dreamed”……later that night I sat and thought about what he said and I thought about my dream. I thought about how in my dream I saw the beauty I grew up to be and the man that would lead me and how strong he was. I remember the people in front of us and how all I could do was worship the Lord. After that night pressure from my boyfriend was stronger. I was spiritually torn with being emotionally tied to him or leaving it all to pursue the Lord. I then decided to do things my way knowing he would never want anything I had dreamed about I thought “I can change him” ladies I’ll tell you right now… you can’t so don’t try…. You are not called to be unequally yoked and your faith will not inspire him to love God. My worry of never meeting that man in my dreams I desperately tried to make my boyfriend him and April 2009 we got married. That wasn’t my brightest moments. The marriage was worse than the dating relationship. I was trying to chase the lord and he just wanted sex. We had no foundation and really nothing to talk about. There was nothing really tying us together we were not one. He started to resent church and later blamed church for our problems. Two years later and two little boys later he asked for a divorce over a text message. The same way it had all started to begin with….I can honestly say this time I wasn’t devastated. In fact I felt released. Depression lifted and I felt maybe I’ll be able to at least love God the way I liked to. Since the divorce I have not dated any person and don’t plan to until the Lord brings that man of God into my life. I’ve allowed healing and restoring in my life and truly know what it feels to be loved by God. I’ve surrendered to him and know I want nothing but his perfect will. I’ve had to learn my worth and beauty isn’t measured by what a man says to me. I have yet to hear a man call me beautiful BUT that doesn’t mean I am not. Even if I were to marry that man from my dream and if he were to never call me beautiful I’d still find joy and worth in my God because he calls me beautiful, his beloved. I am dear and full of grace. The Lord took this suicide girl and made her a Woman of God. I know his timing is perfect and he will do far more in my life then I’ve ever dreamed. My past is pretty wild but my future is exquisite. I am not afraid of sex any more, I’ll be honest I used to be. I feel I have to talk about that part of me because there are so many women who find their worth in that. I understand and hold no judgment. I just want you to know there is a man who wants to love you so much more intimately than any man could, a man who created you and even died for you. He called you his desire and delights in you.
There is no man who can love you like Jesus, but there is a man who loves Jesus waiting to love you. Hold on just a little bit longer you are worth it!! While you wait dive into your word and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. Become the Woman of God you were always intended and allow the Lord to give back to you that gentle sweet spirit the enemy has stolen. You have Worth, You are beautiful!!
“You have stolen my Heart, My Sister my Bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes” Songs of Songs 4:9