Beauty is Deeper Then Words...

“I’m being a dumb girl again… I was thinking if this world based a relationship solely on looks, love at first sight thing, I’d be out of luck. Men don’t usually pray for a woman with brown hair and brown eyes”

 

I used to be insecure with how I looked. I viewed myself as an overweight Sasquatch with boring features. I thought I was invisible and that I had nothing to offer. I’ve never actually experience that “love at first sight” thing people seem to get so I used to think maybe I’m just not that special. Why else would I be over looked so many times?  My only experience with dating is two guys. I had one in high school and he was conditional. He would ask me to lose weight and pick at everything I’d wear. I wasn’t as indie rocker chick as he would like. Our brake up wasn’t too hard on me. After he broke up with me I was more scared at thinking I wasn’t pretty. Not completely his fault, I wasn’t told I was pretty at home by my own father either so I thought you know that just confirms it. I’m just not that special.

Later that year I met another young man. He was just coming out of a three year relationship with a young lady he cared for very much. I became that ear and emotional comfort zone. I was going through my own emotional rollercoaster so it was nice to have someone to talk to. For a year we would talk, usually his conversation was about her or other girl problems. Or he would turn it into a sexual conversation and I’d go with the flow because by that point I was so broken all I thought I had to offer was sex. I never view myself at a woman worth chasing or protecting. I thought men want one thing and one thing only. I’ll never get that prince charming and I have released that dream I once dreamed. He lived in another college town so I never really had to care. I was becoming hard and hating love in general. After a year we finally had our “first date” which was having sex in a car. I know you’re thinking wow Carissa why share this? This is too much… it was too much I was overwhelmed with pain and depression. I wanted to be that virgin bride and never thought I’d ever be “that girl” but here I was 18 degrading myself all because I was never told “you are beautiful and you are worth something more”. That relationship became strictly sexual. We had nothing to talk about and often we would have sex then go about our day. When the summer ended after my 19^th birthday he left for school again and here came the devastation of my life. I had given him myself every day for an entire summer and Friday he texts me I love you, and I’ll miss you…ignores me all weekend and text me again Monday, I’m back in school I want to be available and sleep around………imagine my devastation.

That moment crushed me immediately the thought of not being worth more than a good time in bed filled my mind. This is all people think of me as!! A good time!! So what did I do next? I hardened up and I became that good time friend. I’m naturally very shy and quiet but I was determined to not be her because she was weak and easily hurt, no I was going to be crude and vulgar. I thought to myself I’m going to use my body to my advantage and let others feel the pain I feel. I drank and I drank a lot, I smoked and I became loud and obnoxious. Sex became a tool to numb what was really going on inside. My actions brought upon some more violent moments but overall I was finding every way to hide what was going on inside. I never thought I would be this girl. In fact I judge these girls harshly in high school but I found myself worse than them.  I was lost and these scars were self-inflicted.

That young man would come in and out of my life. When he wasn’t getting the attention he wanted he would come back and when he was he would break up with me. I ended up later living in the same town as him. I had fallen into a deep pit where I was consumed with my sin. Thoughts often consumed my mind “if I disappear no one would notice, if I died no one would care” I had tied myself so much to this young man emotionally I couldn’t discern love from lust. Even thought I was emotionally wounded from him he became an addiction. Sex was an addiction to numb the pain I was really feeling. Shortly after my 20^th birthday party my aunt had died a traumatic death I was laying in front of my bathroom sink and I thought to myself I have enough pills to kill me four time, who would notice? No one. Who would care? No one, who loves me? No one….I was convinced I should die I’ve screwed up my life and I can never get it back. That night I cried myself to sleep and I had a dream, a dream I was very familiar with except this time I was me watching the dream. I was lying on the floor and I can hear someone calling my name. still in the very provocative dress I was wearing the night before, mascara run down my face from all the crying I got up looked at myself in the mirror and then lifelessly followed the voice out the door I walked down a hall, not the one in my apartment but another hallway I was familiar with. It was the hallway to the house behind the mall. It was the last house I lived in as a child before my parents’ divorce. In that house I had a dream of who id be when I grew up.

As I walked down the long hallway I walked into the bedroom I once slept in and there I saw the little girl me. She was playing “missionary” with her dolls and saying things like one day we will travel the world and marry a handsome man.  I was devastated and ashamed I thought to myself she can’t see me. She would be heartbroken by who she grew up to be. At that moment I woke up. I made the decision to go back home. Still angry and hurt I eventually accepted an invitation to a Sunday night service. I sat with my mom in the front row. I put on the less revealing outfit I had that night but it was still pretty low and revealing. Standing in church I felt out of place and maybe this was just not me. But sure enough worship started and I couldn’t leave. I stood there with no movement I felt the presence but I wasn’t going to be moved by it. I felt this tugging at my heart but I wasn’t going to let him in. Finally the Pastors daughter put down her mic stepped down from the stage wrapped her arms around me and cried. She whispered in my ear “you are so beautiful and you will sing for the Lord again” I felt the walls around my heart crumbling, how would she know that? How does she know this about me? For the first time in my life I heard you are beautiful. Up until that point not even my boyfriend who had said he loved me called me beautiful all I had ever heard was “you look hot” but there is a difference ladies from being told you’re beautiful and you’re hot.

After worship a guest pastor from Stockton came up to preach. I knew him he was once part of a traveling team called radical reality. It was 2008 and I was about to make a choice I was always afraid to make. After his message I walked up to that alter and gave my life back to the lord. All I could say was I’m sorry. That pastor walked up to me hugged me and said “you are beautiful and the Lord loves you very much he has a bigger plan for you then you’ve ever dreamed”……later that night I sat and thought about what he said and I thought about my dream. I thought about how in my dream I saw the beauty I grew up to be and the man that would lead me and how strong he was. I remember the people in front of us and how all I could do was worship the Lord. After that night pressure from my boyfriend was stronger. I was spiritually torn with being emotionally tied to him or leaving it all to pursue the Lord. I then decided to do things my way knowing he would never want anything I had dreamed about I thought “I can change him” ladies I’ll tell you right now… you can’t so don’t try…. You are not called to be unequally yoked and your faith will not inspire him to love God. My worry of never meeting that man in my dreams I desperately tried to make my boyfriend him and April 2009 we got married. That wasn’t my brightest moments. The marriage was worse than the dating relationship. I was trying to chase the lord and he just wanted sex. We had no foundation and really nothing to talk about. There was nothing really tying us together we were not one. He started to resent church and later blamed church for our problems. Two years later and two little boys later he asked for a divorce over a text message. The same way it had all started to begin with….I can honestly say this time I wasn’t devastated. In fact I felt released. Depression lifted and I felt maybe I’ll be able to at least love God the way I liked to. Since the divorce I have not dated any person and don’t plan to until the Lord brings that man of God into my life. I’ve allowed healing and restoring in my life and truly know what it feels to be loved by God. I’ve surrendered to him and know I want nothing but his perfect will. I’ve had to learn my worth and beauty isn’t measured by what a man says to me. I have yet to hear a man call me beautiful BUT that doesn’t mean I am not. Even if I were to marry that man from my dream and if he were to never call me beautiful I’d still find joy and worth in my God because he calls me beautiful, his beloved. I am dear and full of grace. The Lord took this suicide girl and made her a Woman of God. I know his timing is perfect and he will do far more in my life then I’ve ever dreamed. My past is pretty wild but my future is exquisite. I am not afraid of sex any more, I’ll be honest I used to be. I feel I have to talk about that part of me because there are so many women who find their worth in that. I understand and hold no judgment. I just want you to know there is a man who wants to love you so much more intimately than any man could, a man who created you and even died for you. He called you his desire and delights in you.

There is no man who can love you like Jesus, but there is a man who loves Jesus waiting to love you. Hold on just a little bit longer you are worth it!! While you wait dive into your word and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. Become the Woman of God you were always intended and allow the Lord to give back to you that gentle sweet spirit the enemy has stolen. You have Worth, You are beautiful!!

 

“You have stolen my Heart, My Sister my Bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes” Songs of Songs 4:9

Birthing a Promise

Birthing a Promise

pray continually, 1 Thessalonians 5:17

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33, 34

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. Ephesians 3:17

The Lord has been really ministering to me about birthing a promise. I've had vision since I was a child. Though I may have had some shortcomings and may not have always walked out the call I was called, that vision never changed. The Lord knew my journey before I even walked that journey. People have come and gone. I've had cheerleaders and persecutors. All of which played huge roles in my faith and working toward the goal. Through this journey it has equipped me. There is more journey to walk and more vision to gain. I believe the dreams I've had were only glimpses of the beginning. Enough hope to get me to the Start! Funny to say that because I've had these in my heart my whole life but I believe I haven't even really started yet.

A graduate goes from one level to another. Elementary school prepares you for middle school, middle school for high school, high school for college and college for a career. You don't start that career without the proper training. Much like education I believe that there is always more. Maybe my journey was just middle school who know but I do know that the deeper I get into the word and digest the meat of the Gospels the closer I feel to that start.

There is greatness birthing in me and I know it has only been by the mercy of the Lord I've come this far. Fought this long and grown this much. It's his kind heart, loving touch and gentle words that have shaped and molded me into who I am. Like a potter who uses water to keep the clay soft and moldable, the Holy Spirit keeps me soft and moldable as well. In his presence I find peace and in his presence I know who I am.

Through out the gospels you read Jesus knew who he was since birth. And as he grew he grew in wisdom. Jesus knew the importance to pray and seek the kingdom of God and just before he birthed his Calling. He prayed. Before he was on that cross others mocked him, doubted him and abandoned him. At the very end when the promise was fulfilled he hung on that cross alone. It was through much prayer he was strengthened to endure and his confidence in his father to push through.

You may feel alone and like it will never happen. But push through. Pray much and always be one with The Lord. Not everyone will see what you see, believe what you believe and agree with the call in your life. But if you align yourself with the word of God and stand on what he speaks to you nothing else matters. To bring about greatness you must humble yourself daily in the presence of God and always stay broken before The Lord. And most importantly Pray Always! You'll make it! Your Start is almost here!

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:2

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5, 6

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. Matthew 6:6

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:3

I was Made from You

And the Lord God said, “ It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Genesis 2:18

Woman points at rib and says to man "Hey sir I think I have something that belongs to you ;)"

That's a silly one liner that makes me laugh every time I see it on twitter but how true is this. I was reading in Genesis about the creation of Marriage and how Eve was created from man and in my study I noticed a few pointers I thought I'd share.

So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper COMPARABLE to him. Genesis 2:20

The word comparable stood out to me as if in the bible it were all caps too! The Lord bluntly lets us know that one: nothing compares to man and two that the man was searching for a comparable partner. The Lord saw that need and had placed a desire in the man's heart to have a comparable companion. Not just any companion but one that IS comparable.

I believe each man has a vision for his life and also searches for a woman that is capable to work toward that vision. Not just a companion of compatibility. You can be compatible with anyone. Sure any male who likes baseball with a sense of humor is compatible but I am of no worth to him if what I am gifted to do wont help plow toward that vision. But also keep in mind it won't be easy. Being Comparable can also mean you'll have to do a lot of sacrificing. I know for myself I can be very organized and tedious. Kind of a for better words a sarcastic know it all but I also know there is many times ill have to check myself and submit. That possibly I am not always right. Knowing your flaws teaches you to become capable. Knowing what the other may need from you.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

To me to be found is a good thing only because a good thing lives in me. I am only good because I am obedient to The Lord. And when you are obedient to him he then begins to position you where you should be. Which then allows the Man to find the woman who was created to be comparable to him. The woman that was created to plow with him and achieve the vision placed in His heart. Which leads to the second point. The finding.

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
Genesis 2:21

One of the greatest mysteries of the world is a woman and in fact she is even a mystery to herself!!! Walk into any kindergarten room and ask a little girl what she wants to be when she grows up, she'll say what ever her little imagination can conjure up. Ask that same little girl five years, ten year, and 20 years later I'm sure it would have changed at least twelve times! One thing will always remain the same though and that is "I want to marry my prince and have babies" it is common nature to want to be a wife and mother because that is what we have been designed to be. Now that's not all of coarse we have other gifts, talents and abilities that enrich the vision of our spouse but the whole idea of a woman's purpose was in fact to be man's wife. You notice man was sleeping. What a surprise it may have been to wake up and find his wife sitting there by him. All that time searching and he finally found what he was looking for. Now how exciting or special would that have been if The Lord had let him stay awake? Let him see the gift become made before his eyes?! Probably not special at all! In fact it would have been just another thing he had gotten to name but The Lord also knew when he created man he created man to have dominion over ALL creation and authority over ALL living thing. Men naturally like knowing they are in charge and in control. They also like a chase. What good is anything that is just given right? The Lord let man search and realize he was missing something he desired and then he let him wake up to find it. Unfortunately woman men don't realize they have good things until they know what it feels like to not have it. So men need that time of singlehood they need to know what it feels like to try to plow without that equally yoked comparable partner. So if your patient and allow The Lord to create you, shape mold you you and form your gifts and character soon enough your man will wake up and find you. All things are made Beautiful in time including you. Which brings me to verse 22...

Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
Genesis 2:22

Notice the word says what he took from the man he made woman. There are things that the Man will have in his heart and with those very things he will create woman. Your wants, desires, they will be the same as your man. You shouldn't have to change those intimate details to fit a man to attract him. Always be true to how The Lord has made you because what's in you will also be in your husband. Now I say husband because I hate the fraise future husband. I believe in the power of tongue.
“And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full". John 16:23-24

What you ask for is yours, receive it! If you asked The Lord to now prepare you to be a wife and bring your husband then it is finished it's done he is yourself and you are his. To say future means uncertainty. But I am certain that The Lord has prepared a path and I am walking along that path and I am certain he will bring me to Him for Him to find me. There's no uncertainty to having a future husband. I have a husband I belong to and as I continue to walk this journey in the right moment we will be joined. In Genesis the bible says The Lord brought Eve to Him and there she was found. The Man found his wife because The Lord placed her there at the right moment he would see her.

And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:23

There's this closeness The Lord gives that is so blessed with marriage. He lets you know from the beginning how important it is. You're more then just "friendship on fire" yet another catch fraise I'm not to fond of. Yes you are friends but in my thoughts there is more then friendship. To be on fire is to become consumed. I want to be consumed by God and one with my husband. Becoming one flesh meaning you are both consumed with God. Anything and everything you do should include The Lord. The Lord called Adam and Eve's marriage Blessed. The word blessed in this passage of scripture means “to endue with power for success, prosperity, fertility and longevity.” When God blessed them, His Spirit came upon Adam and Eve and empowered them to succeed in every area. God was an active participant in their lives. As long as they followed His will for their marriage, they experienced great blessing. Their marriage was very good!

and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’
Matthew 19:5

In order to follow the will of your marriage you must first be consumed by The Lord BEFORE marriage. He then places you where the Man finds you and together you become one flesh and together you live out the plan and purpose The Lord has for you.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6

How exciting it is to walk in your call and follow the path with understanding. Seek The Lord first in all you do ladies he will position you to be found by your husband with great purpose!

Be Blessed, Carissa Deann

Power Verses to think on:
Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel,
Philippians 1:27

Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

A call to purpose: becoming Esther

Have you ever reflected back on your life and wondered wow why did I go through that?

Ecclesiastes 3:1 TO EVERYTHING there is a SEASON, and a TIME to every PURPOSE under the Heaven.

Mark 10:29-30 So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has LEFT house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not RECEIVE a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with PERSECUTIONS—and in the age to come, ETERNAL LIFE.

Notice in Mark he listed what we leave when we follow Jesus and what we gain. Three statements stand our to me. One we leave our fathers but we WON'T receive more, We will have the same amount of persecution along with blessing and obtain Eternal Life.

We leave our fathers but we won't be blessed with more. I believe this is because our God is a Jealous God. When we leave our earthly father we rely only on our spiritual Father, The Lord our God. In Esther it reads she was not raised by her father, he passed as a child but that she was taken in by her Cousin whom raised her as his own. She then was taken from her adoptive father and placed in the kings Courters, she was positioned to rely only on The Lord and his guidance. We come to a place where we no longer rely on our physical father and solely on The Lord. Whom ever that may be, an orphan who was adopted was positioned to become Queen.
Like Esther, I have a similarity. See I did have a Physical father but him and I have never got along. We don't understand each other. I was always ministry minded since childhood, my dad doesn't serve God and never saw value in ministry. To him it was unsuccessful and why can't I just go to college or get a "real job". I had major rejection issues toward my dad that only The Lord could heal, and through out my childhood I leaned on only The Lord to father me the way I desired. The Lord had become my best friend, my Father and my healer. Even through my dark hour, a time of my life I experienced hard rejection not just from my Dad but from the church a well I walked away from The Lord and he still met with me in those times. I didnt speak to anyone for a year and in that time The Lord was working on my hard heart. There would be early moments in the bakery were I'd be alone pulling pastries and I'd just cry then pull myself together before we opened. Nights where I'd be high or drunk and The Lord would come to me. Tell me he still had a plan for my life. Tho in that time I still avoided him and was not ready to answer his call ultimately I wasn't ready to forgive. But The Lord never left me, he never gave up on me.

Now healed and a woman of God I realize that in that time he was giving me understanding. Though I honor my dad and our relationship is restored, he is still man, the church is still man. All the rejection and pain was for purpose for me to realize the only The Lord my God is to be exalted and only He guides me. He positions me for where he writes my life to be. Man will fail me but if I put my hope in The Lord I will always be accepted by him. When we set out on our journey, when you leave your parents home as adults you become only the Lords. Not that you don't still honor your earthy father, you do, but you don't exhault him and give God all your praise and glory. It is only The Lord who will direct your path. Entering the body we receive abundance in sisters, brothers and mothers but we all have only one father.

As you walk this journey, following The Lord wherever He may lead you, you will need to seek The Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. There will be times you feel alone and many times you will not understand. Like Esther, She was very different from the other woman. In all ways! She was of a different race, she served a different God, she ate differently, looked differently, everything about her was different. I'm sure she didnt have the best experience with that many woman in one room at first! But The Lord gave her favor and with her willingness to learn she embraced the position The Lord was placing her in. But everyday, all day she had to seek The Lord. Her purpose was designed and called out by The Lord, no man or woman could put an end to that. She was called to be more then just a beautiful queen. But if you notice, The Lord positioned her to only seek him with no outside influence she had nothing but to trust him.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

The second statement to me is PERSECUTION. We obtain everything we need in abundance from The Lord but with all that comes persecution. This is why it is so important to put on the FULL armor of God and seek the Father daily. Daily positioning yourself in the presence of God before anything else that may consume our day. What do you do first when you wake up? Do you reach for your phone to read emails, Facebook, twitter? If you are married do you first give attention to your husband or kids or Dog ;) lol ok but really what do you do first? What do you do in the last hour of you night? How you end your day will be how you start it.

2011 and 2012 was no walk in a quiet park for me. My youngest Son was born March 22, 2011 and I was fighting major depression. My marriage was falling apart and far from fairy tale. Instead of being Cinderella I felt like the ugly stepsister desperately trying to fit my foot in someone else's shoe while obviously watching the prince looking for his true love but I was desperate to fit that shoe. Maybe I didn't have confidence, my insecurities consumed me and I knew this was just not going to fit but I was determined to make it work. All along I didn't have his heart. The Lord started to heal my heart and restore my dreams. And the closer I drew to him the more distant my husband and I became. I wanted the things of God and he wanted to he just a good person. He isn't a bad man, he was just not my man. And I wasn't a bad woman I just wasn't his. It bothered him that I spent so much time in prayer or worship and instead of joining me would fight with me over it. But I knew the only way I was going to get through this depression was through prayer, the only way I could be a mother of two little baby boys thirteen months apart was through prayer and the only way I can be a wife to an unsaved husband was through prayer! After the summer of 2011 going into fall I desperately saught The Lord asking him to change me. Use my life and all I've been through to further the kingdom. I wanted the purpose of God in my life. All the vision that The Lord was giving me was causing division in my marriage and he showed no interest in ever pursuing it with me, he didn't agree so I saught The Lord again and I asked to strip every desire from my, take every dream out of my heart and teach me to be his wife. Moments after that prayer I receive a text message saying he wanted a divorce, and that he was moving out that day. I was willing to surrender all The Lord placed in my heart to become excellent at what I am FIRST called to be and that is an obedient wife. But The Lord had other plans.

As weeks passed and The Lord healed my heart, yes I needed healing, no divorce is easy and even though I knew it was not a marriage joined by God it was still a relationship I had for five years of my life. So as the healing process began persecution became more intense. The woman in my church did not agree. Their advise was to BEG him back. Accusing me of adultery if I were to move on and if he chooses to take me back I should do it. I remained silent. I felt no one needed to to details of what went on in that marriage. But their words tormented me. See the enemy will accuse you with exactly what he is affriad of. Of coarse he would throw those verses in my face and stress me out over being an adulteress if I got married again. It terrifies him and will ruin his plan if I married the Man of God I am called to. What damage we would do for the kingdom together. Through that persecution I realized more so how important it is that I wait on The Lord. Seek first his kingdom and he will place me where I am to be.

Even though I am not married, or even close to it I don't doubt it won't happen. I've allowed myself to be used by God and do his works through me. The persecution I endured all through 2012 and mass rejection I've experienced positioned me for today, for such a time as this. I've met amazing new friends that have an incredible passion for The Lord and do his work. I am blessed an my life is very different now. 2012 like Esther, was a year of preparation for me. A year of positioning. It was through the hate, rejection and persecution of the church that I was positioned unknowingly that every event I was asked to serve at introduced me to different people and places I had never been before. The rejection pushed me closer to the purpose of God and all he has planned. If it wasnt for this journey I wouldn't be here today, every moment has lead me to this place. Do I know what's next? No. But I trust God and all he does. My weakness has become strength my failures became wisdom and my flaws became compassion that ignited passion. I've entered a new season of my life.

The final final statement, Eternal Life. Our GREATEST purpose above all and our most special promise I'd Eternal Life.

who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, II Timothy 1:9

Esther was Called to be Queen not to just be a beauty but instead to save the Jews. She had purpose. The Lord gave me a dream as a child knowing all I'd endure in my life and to hold onto that hope. I have this hope to hold onto and a dream in my heart, but I know even beyond that dream is to obtain that special promise of eternal life. Until that moment, through any ministry I may do my life is to share that promise of Jesus to everyone I meet. I pray many come to The Lord through the ministries placed in my life and that he uses me however he pleases.

Becoming Esther for me is to introduce Jesus to the children of God, and to inspire the body to endure through persecution and live out their purpose. I believe as woman when we have purpose in The Lord he guides our steps and positions us daily. I would have never been positioned if I wasn't willing to walk out this journey. The journey is equipping me not just to be an excellent wife, mother or servant but to be an excellent Woman of God. Becoming Esther to me is learning to be something more then where you came from. Trusting God through the journey and praising him when it is finished.
Be Blessed, Carissa Deann

Patience is a Virtue

And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.
Hebrews 6:15

It's funny to me how much children can teach you, show you how God views us. Before I explain why let me tell you a little about myself. I am a very detailed and organized orientated person down to my last thought. I was always that nerdy kid that carried planners and my binder was always extraordinarily organized. This has carried on into my adulthood. I thing 80 steps ahead, still have a planner not just a literal writing planner but my iPhone has every detail of my life programmed in it and backed up on my iCloud!! I tell you I am a very organized person. It may overwhelm others but that's how I am programmed. I have photogenic memory can describe to you every detail of a person even to facial expressions. Part of being an introvert is I'm an incredible observer and listener. I like to get tasks done efficiently and I plan every step it would take me to get there. I have a motto "make every step count" that means plan ahead and prepare what you'll need so you won't have to return or do a task again.

So with all that being said, I live out in the country the nearest town is a very small city woodland. That's where we do our shopping, get gas, pretty much all our needs are 20 minutes away so as you can see forgetting something at home is kind of a pain in your behind and extremely annoying especially for someone like me. Being a single mom of 2 toddler boys I can't afford to not to be organized! So before leaving today in the file cabinet of Carissa's mind I'm strategizing everything thing I need, double checking to make sure I don't miss anything. Ok well now I have my list for the store let me get the boys shoes, socks, extra pants and T-shirts, boys are messy, Josh went poop...the list went on.

So as I am getting everything together my oldest asks if He can have a cup of milk. I hear him, acknowledge him by saying "Be patient you'll have your cup when we go downstairs"... He isn't getting it and now the 3 year old is whining, growing very impatient and asking over and over. Which in turn is now getting me impatient as I'm trying to change his brother. I get down to him at this point very annoyed look him in the eyes and say "you need to stop asking me Eli, I said you will have your cup in just a moment there is no need for this whining!" Just as I said this I start to laugh stop what I'm doing and tell The Lord ok I get it now.

See Eli wants a cup, it's going to take me 5 min to finish what I'm doing and then we can go down stairs and he can have the cup. I said he was getting a cup. But to the three year old of its not now then it's not happening at all. He can't read my mind and he sure can't see that in a moment he will have it. See sometimes we will ask The Lord and he says Yes. He gives us promises and tells us just be patient I'm preparing all this for you. We may be just a moment away from our promise but we grow impatient and whine. We will act as if it isn't happening now then it never will but if he said it will then it will. In Luke 1:45 it says Mary was blessed because she believed what he said he would do.
In Habakuk 2:3 he promises that things HE plans won't happen right away but they will in time and won't be DELAYED a single moment.

Endurance comes from resistance. We become stronger in our faith the longer you push through. If The Lord promised a raise. Praise him while you wait and at the job you have now be a person of excellence while you show patients. Want a spouse? Live as if they are already here. Be patient and in that time take in every lesson The Lord has for you as he prepares you for that day. There is always a bigger picture. I'd imagine right now The Lord has prepared me to be more then just an excellent wife and mother. The persecution and trials The Lord has helped me overcome is pretty incredible as I look back and I think wow lord what kind of life do you have ahead that I'd have to be so strong, compassionate, loving and wise? I've learned it is only The Lord who gives, he distributes our dreams, passion, and desire. And he will also be the one to prepare ahead of us. If we can just be still and endure, be patient while we wait, keeping a joyful spirit and not become restless but live in peace. Our moment will come it can be just in the next moment. Don't choose to whine, it's coming and you'll be blessed you waited.

Good night world be blessed,
Carissa Deann

You Belong to Him:Know Her Worth

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. I Peter 3:7

Today I wrote in my journal because I'm restless in my spirit today. Im dealing with my worth. I believe I'm worth more then this world that the Father in heaven adores me and for the rest of my life pursues me and delights in me every moment of my day. He find joy in my worship and gladness with my presence. He loves when I sit and talk to him and delights in my thought toward him because his thoughts toward me are joyful. I told The Lord I deserve that from My pursuer. You died for me out of great love, the least He can do is move mountains to be with me. No distance should stop him from chasing me and he should be excited that he gets to be my husband. It should be of great honor to him that he was even chosen to lead me. And have lots of pride to even hold my hand.

Yea I know there's a sassiness and confidence in that statement but I AM a daughter of the Most High King, I am his favorite Carissa Deann and I am loved greatly. I should have that much expectation. I deserve more then a once in a while email, phone call. I should be his prizes possession. I think once a woman finds that kind of worth no man can hurt her! Because only the right man of God, the chosen man of God will know how to pursue her. And he will all the days of their life.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:10-12

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:29, 30

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband
Proverbs 12:4a

My breakthrough: I'm that gentle beauty, and that's okay.

You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes, With one link of your necklace. Song of Solomon 4:9

I've been in bondage, trying to be a woman I am not. I thought that if I came off strong or wise that would make me good enough to be found. That if I was a "leader" or a "speaker" I would enrich him. I started to grow tired and became restless and still was not found.

I've realized now, since like yesterday, I am strong and I am wise But it's a different strong and wise. I'm so gentle and sensitive to people's feeling. I'm a great listener and genuinely brake when people are hurting. It's my supportive spirit and encouraging wisdom that is strong. Maybe the man who is supposed to find me has all the leadership strength for both of us? Maybe all I have to be is that emotional strength to follow. My role was never to lead, but to pray.

I may have gifts that teach well, I'm smart and quirky and well if I'm asked to preach I will but I just love to teach. I love to write and build people up. I may be his support and he is the driver. I'm more then ok with that. I'm too introverted to take on that burden. And yes it would be a burden for me because I've been the leader in a relationship and that was exhausting. I became their mother not their partner.

I believe who I am as a woman is very much traditional. I am naturally very submissive and mothering. I see nothing wrong with serving your husband and letting them take on their God given roles. There lies no ounce of feminism in me and when I speak to young ladies I will teach them the ways of The Lord.

What this blog is today is more of a celebration of my break through. Yesterday I wrestled in my spirit and really sought The Lord. He made me ok to embrace who I am and how he made me. Gave me peace to believe that who I am is just enough and who he is is more then enough. That he has created a man who will be all those things. Don't loose your gentle spirit Ladies, The Lord finds it of great worth and so will your future husband.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Be Blessed! Love last forever!
Carissa Deann